Clean slate

Explore the room you’re in as if you’re seeing it for the first
time. Pretend you know nothing. What do you see? Who is
the person who lives there?

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. 

Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, 

nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: 

it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.

(c) J.R.R. Tolkien

Comfort.

That word came to my mind when I entered the room for the first time -  a room so light and big, it seems to me it's just too spacious for one girl. 

- A Girl? 

Yeah, a girl. Firstly, only a girl would choose creamy-lime wallpapers for her room. It's not a boyish colour, indeed. Then, there is an army of teddy bears and porcelain dolls here waiting for her. And you can see her in the photos.

Photos.

They are everywhere, so bright and colourful and ... "unprofessional".  

Roses, a perfectly blue sky with sheep-like clouds, a stubborn cat, a sunny beach, American and German flags, waving in the air breeze, and smiling happy faces of her and her nearest and dearest... all these pictures remind me of a jam jar closed tight to keep it fresh, because memories, even the brightest and the most precious ones are sooner or later forgotten. 

What else is there? 

All pieces of furniture - a desk with a cupboard above it, a mirror, a chest of drawers and a tall wardrobe in the corner - match each other perfectly...so perfectly it makes me feel sick. I mean, it could be such a boring choice of furniture if there wasn't a massive round-shaped armchair in front of the desk instead of an ordinary chair. A nice and comfortable sofa next to the wall, with piles of lime cushions of a different size on it, makes it cosy as well. 

But what really catches my attention is a windowsill with four amazingly huge orchids there.

It's winter in Russia, and you can see nothing but snow out of the window, it's so freaking cold you want  to never come out of that room with a cosy armchair... But the orchids, those delicate flowers which supposed to be lithe and weak, are strong and tall, as if spring has come to this room a little bit earlier. 

I can't say much of this girl right now, neither her exact age nor what she's dreaming about in the middle of the night sitting in her comfortable armchair with a purple mug full of tea (I've seen one on the desk), but there's one thing I'm sure about - 

a girl with such orchids can't be a really bad person. 

Helpless

Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at
the reins. When did you last feel like that –- and what did
you do about it?


That's interesting.

I'm of the opinion, that such a feeling as helplessness is not that sharp. It's blurry.

We can feel pain, sorrow, love, happiness and we feel them clearly.
If you are asked about the last time you've fallen in love, you'll definately remember it.

But helplessness is like fog, lingering low inside you and dissappearing by the midday, something not distinct. I don't like this feeling, no one likes, I guess, still it's hard to recall the last time you've felt it precisely, because sometimes we can live carrying our helplessness inside us for days and weeks.

However, I remember the moment I felt that helplessness so strong I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up again. It's not the last time, of course, but it was one of the hardests moments in my life.

It happened a year ago.
January, 7, 2014.

I was sitting at my desk, drawing something nice in my diary, listening to some sad songs and eating sweets. Lovely evening indeed. But then, out of the blue, I've realised that I've lost one of my best friends. I've lost her in December, but I've realised what we have done only in January.

There came a sharp feeling of pain - something you feel, when someone, whom you love so much, just go away. No reason, no explanation, no last goodbye. There was so much pain.

...and then helplessness came as well.
I  was still sitting at my desk, crying and feeling alone and helpless, because there seemed to be no chance to make things right.

That year, 2014, I felt that poisonous fog of helplessness every time I've remembered her.
I knew that I had to let her go, but I couldn't.
I was helpless and desperate, holding on a cloudy memory of a friendship, which has already vanished in the air. Miserable.

A year has passed, and now I'm feeling stronger.
I let her go. I let myself go. I've met a new friend.
I've learned to love and appreciate my best friends even more.

I've got I lesson I'll never forget.
I'm not helpless anymore.
Awesome.

Kick it

What’s the 11th item on your bucket list?

Frankly speaking, I don't have a bucket list of my own.
Moreover, I don't think there are many people in Russia, who have "a bucket list".
It's not a russian tradition, I mean.

But once I've written down some things, which I wish I had just enough time to do, in my main diary.

It was written on the 19th of December 2012, more than two years ago, but I've found it today and I liked it, cause little has changed about those things since 2012, so I'm going to tell you about the 11th item.

It is written there, that I would like to have an opportunity to come back to a place Nathalie and I have called home for 4 months - to Paoli, PA, the USA.

Summer 2012 was, as I see it, one of the most awesome summers in my life due to the fact that my friends and I went to the USA ("work and travel programme"). We've been working at a Wendy's cafe in a small town, Paoli, which is not far from Philadelphia. We've spent four adventurous, hard and precious months there, which made me a grown up indeed. That place, those people we met, all those problems we had to cope with and all those magnificent places we've visited made me another, better person and for that I'm very grateful.

Those days are precious for me indeed, and the only thing I wish is a chance to visit "our" (mine and Nathalie's) place, where we were sitting late at night and talking about nothing and everything and watching the stars so bright and so close in the midsummer sky which could make me cry because I was the happiest girl ever at such moments.

I'd love to sit there with Nathalie once again.

That's my 11th item.

Resolved

Have you ever made a New Year’s Resolution that you kept?


Never.

But, please, do not think of me as a person, who has never reached a goal in her life, because that's not true.

The thing is that I've never made that "New Year's Resolutions" thing before. I'm just not that type of a person.

It's nice, when you've got a big piece of paper and you think over all the things you are to manage this year and you write them down and you feel like there's nothing impossible... yeah. Nice.

But I don't do that stuff.
I don't plan anything beforehand. I just let the life run.
Of course, I have my own wishes every year, but they're not plans.


But,
this year is a little bit different.

There was a cheerful gathering at the end of December, where my friends and I talked about Christmas. And my bro suggested our "New Year's Resolution" writing. So, that was the first time I've made such a thing and I really liked it.

There are 3 things I've planned for 2015:

1. Study German;
2. Read "Lord of the Rings" from the beginning till the very end in original;
3. Fall in love.

There are 364 days for me to make these plans done.
I hope, I'll manage ))

...let's start with the book ^^

Here we go again ; ))

I'm starting with a "365 days of writing prompts" challenge today.

It was my best bro's idea (she always has plenty of awesome ideas in her head) actually,
but I really like that one. Writing is not easy for me, especially writing on a set topic. But I can try and I will try.

So let's get the challenge started and see, what will come out of it in the end ))